Friday, July 20, 2012

An Unhappy Day...

Today is an unhappy day.

Today when I got dressed for work my "fat jeans" (ie the jeans I bought before I lost weight, once put away because they were too big (that was a happy day), and now have re-taken out because I've gained back what I lost plus some) were too tight.  I can't claim that this was an overnight happening.  Since we moved to Humboldt and I was no longer spending my days restraining possessed teenagers I started to put on some weight. 

I've never in my life been what you would call skinny.  When I was in second grade, yep that's EIGHT years old, I remember telling people at school that they weren't going to recognize me when I came back for school in the fall because I was going to lose weight over the summer.  Yep, eight years old.  This hope continued throughout my life... but if you don't put the actions behind the words they will never come true.  I was VERY heavy when I graduated high school... I look back at the pictures and can't believe it sometimes.  However when I left for college between the combination of eating better and having to walk to classes I lost 15 pounds my freshman year!  I kept this weight off until November of 2008 when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.  Between the depression of being told that I have a disease that is not only incurable but also has no rhyme or reason behind it and my medication that made me absolutley nauseous with no desire for food... I lost some more weight.  During the year after I graduated college, without much extra work I got "skinny" enough that I could wear jeans from stores like American Eagle (lame, I know).

We moved to Humboldt in February of 2011 and I was no longer getting my exercise from work (restraining possessed children is HARD WORK... I don't recommend it) but I was waitressing so the weight didn't come quickly.  I got a job as a receptionist/sales person at the local radio station last August which equals sitting 8 hours a day.  In June I was hospitalized for a week for a blood clot in my lung.  I'm on blood thinners which make me tired and a new fibromyalgia medication which has a side effect of weight gain.  So... I could say I'm screwed and just expect the weight to pack on and need to buy new bigger clothes and not care.

I don't want to make excuses anymore.  I don't want to be unhappy anymore.  I want to be happy with how I look, happy with how my clothes fit, happy with me.  As I sat on my bed this morning wiping away the tears I was crying over my uncomfortable jeans I thought, okay so start something on Monday.  BUT WHY? Why does everyone think that the only day you can change your life is one Monday.  I'm starting TODAY. Instead of going to the gas station and getting a soda and a piece of breakfast pizza cause I was running late I brought to work with me a protein bar and a yogurt.  I'm drinking water this morning instead of coffee. No more candy bars, no more late night ice cream trips.  I ordered Zumba DVDs last weekend because, let's face it, I'll look like a total moron doing Zumba.  They should be here by the 25th... They are NOT going to just sit on the shelf, I'm going to use them til they're scratched and don't work anymore. 

Here goes nothing.  Here's to being the happy girl who can't wear her "fat jeans" anymore because they fall off.