An Unhappy Day...

Today is an unhappy day.

Today when I got dressed for work my "fat jeans" (ie the jeans I bought before I lost weight, once put away because they were too big (that was a happy day), and now have re-taken out because I've gained back what I lost plus some) were too tight.  I can't claim that this was an overnight happening.  Since we moved to Humboldt and I was no longer spending my days restraining possessed teenagers I started to put on some weight. 

I've never in my life been what you would call skinny.  When I was in second grade, yep that's EIGHT years old, I remember telling people at school that they weren't going to recognize me when I came back for school in the fall because I was going to lose weight over the summer.  Yep, eight years old.  This hope continued throughout my life... but if you don't put the actions behind the words they will never come true.  I was VERY heavy when I graduated high school... I look back at the pictures and can't believe it sometimes.  However when I left for college between the combination of eating better and having to walk to classes I lost 15 pounds my freshman year!  I kept this weight off until November of 2008 when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.  Between the depression of being told that I have a disease that is not only incurable but also has no rhyme or reason behind it and my medication that made me absolutley nauseous with no desire for food... I lost some more weight.  During the year after I graduated college, without much extra work I got "skinny" enough that I could wear jeans from stores like American Eagle (lame, I know).

We moved to Humboldt in February of 2011 and I was no longer getting my exercise from work (restraining possessed children is HARD WORK... I don't recommend it) but I was waitressing so the weight didn't come quickly.  I got a job as a receptionist/sales person at the local radio station last August which equals sitting 8 hours a day.  In June I was hospitalized for a week for a blood clot in my lung.  I'm on blood thinners which make me tired and a new fibromyalgia medication which has a side effect of weight gain.  So... I could say I'm screwed and just expect the weight to pack on and need to buy new bigger clothes and not care.

I don't want to make excuses anymore.  I don't want to be unhappy anymore.  I want to be happy with how I look, happy with how my clothes fit, happy with me.  As I sat on my bed this morning wiping away the tears I was crying over my uncomfortable jeans I thought, okay so start something on Monday.  BUT WHY? Why does everyone think that the only day you can change your life is one Monday.  I'm starting TODAY. Instead of going to the gas station and getting a soda and a piece of breakfast pizza cause I was running late I brought to work with me a protein bar and a yogurt.  I'm drinking water this morning instead of coffee. No more candy bars, no more late night ice cream trips.  I ordered Zumba DVDs last weekend because, let's face it, I'll look like a total moron doing Zumba.  They should be here by the 25th... They are NOT going to just sit on the shelf, I'm going to use them til they're scratched and don't work anymore. 

Here goes nothing.  Here's to being the happy girl who can't wear her "fat jeans" anymore because they fall off.

Can I legally change my middle name to "Burnt Out"?

I'm exhausted :-(

Every week I work 8 am to 5 pm Monday through Friday at the Radio Station.  And 5 pm to 12 am for West Fork Services.  On every other weekend toss in 5 pm to 12 am Friday and 9 am to 9 pm Saturday and Sunday at West Fork and I get 47 hours one week and 78 hours the next week... I'm kind of tired.

I thought I found the solution to my problem when I applied for a Case Coordinator position at West Fork Services that everyone said I was a "shoe in" for.... Don't believe everyone.  They offered the position to someone else and my dreams of actually having weekends off have been dashed. 

I'm beyond tired and exhausted and I'm not quite sure how much longer I can keep up this crazy schedule.

I DID IT!

I did it!  12 inches sent to Locks of Love... I feel about 20 pounds lighter and my neck is kind of cold this morning!

Life Update in 10 sentences (or maybe 12)

1. WE GOT THE HOUSE! Waiting to close so we can move in!!

2. I applied for a Case Coordinator position with West Fork Services, which would mean I would have to leave the radio station, which is something I don't especially want to do, but for better money and using my degree it seems like a no brainer.

3. HUNGER GAMES WAS FREAKING AWESOME.

4. Wes lost the keys to his truck a month ago and still hasn't found them, I'm really wishing that "accio keys" would work right about now.

5. It's a mere 3 days before pay day and there is still money in BOTH my savings and checking accounts, I'm growing up... or something.

6. I made roasted brussel sprouts last week and LOVED them... my mom thinks I'm weird.

7. I am going to chop all (or most of) my hair tomorrow, it's time.

8. I need some tips on how to motivate myself to clean and pack... because I hate it. (Mommy where are you?)

9. I'm at that point in the year where I am kind of jealous of people who are physically capable of tanning... as Tori said yesterday when I walked into work with a skirt on, "Damn look at those white legs!"

10. Umm... opening day is NEXT WEEK. YAY BASEBALL!

Update

We found a house... a pretty awesome house at that.  But I still had that gut wrenching I'm going to puke feeling every time I thought about BUYING said house.

Last weekend mom came to town to look at the house with me.  AND because my parents are sometimes occassionally always super awesome... my mom dropped the bomb that dad would be willing to purchase the house as an investment property and we could pay rent and if we so chose eventually purchase the house from my dad (you know when I'm old... like 30... and have my stupid credit cards paid off **UGH**).  So, dad decided he was going to the bank to discuss this on Monday.

Sunday came around... got a text at 10 am and dad was going to the ER.  Selfish terrible Bethany's first thought was "he won't be able to go to the bank." I'm a terrible person.  Well, dad was admitted to the hospital for an infection in his leg.  HOWEVER... my wonderful dad spent the time in his hospital bed getting things organized and arranged to put an offer on the house... from his hospital bed! 

The offer was submitted on Tuesday and we should find out sometime today if it was accepted... AHHH! I'm freaking out, I'm not a patient person anyways and this is not helping... fingers and toes are crossed.

I think I might start losing my hair soon...

Losing my hair wouldn't be all that bad... I've got a ridiculous amount of it anyways.  But I might start losing it because I'll be pulling it out myself.  This is how I feel.....

Yea.  Last week our landlord told us that she wanted to move back into the house on May 1st.  Granted that gives us quite a bit of time to find someplace else to live BUT... we have pets.  My uncle lives with us.  This rids us of the opportunity to get a simple apartment.  We need a house. Do we rent? Do I try to get a loan to buy? Do I try to get a loan for a small amount to just buy on contract? AHHHHHHHH.  The thought of buying a house makes me feel sick to my stomach and I feel like my entire body tenses up just thinking about it because it makes me feel STUCK.  Stuck in Humboldt for the next 30 years (yay mortage!).  I'm not saying that being stuck here for 30 years is a bad thing, I'm not saying that I wouldn't be happy here.  But right now, I'm not sure that is what I want.  I'm 24... I have options right?  The stress is kicking my butt.  My fibro is not being very nice to me right now and it SUCKS.  A simple answer would be nice but I fear that there isn't one.  

"You don't like to run because you're too out of shape to do it."

I've always been a chubby kid.  Always.  I remember wearing size 14 jeans in 7th grade.  Ouch. That memory hurts.  Not as bad as another memory.  I had a teacher in 6th grade, let's call him Mr. M.  He was an avid runner as was his entire family.  I said in class one day that I didn't like to run and his response was, "You don't like to run because you're too out of shape to do it."  Who says that to a 6th grader?  Really... jerk.

Most people gain weight when they go to college.  I did not.  I actually lost weight my first year of college thanks to an awesomely gigantic salad bar that Gustavus had.  I transferred after my first year, got my heart broken, and started working at Happy Chef (read pancakes, biscuits & gravy, and bacon galore).  I gained back most of the weight that I had lost that first year.  Junior year I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and the pain/depression/suckiness took over and I was not into the idea of working out on top of working two jobs and going to school.  My fibro meds made me not hungry and lose weight which was nice... probably not healthy.

I graduated from UNI with having gone to the rec center a random 15ish times throughout my 3 years there... that was a fail on my part.  After graduation I got a job at a residential treatment facility for teenagers which required lots of physical exertion (cough getting the crap beat out of me by teenagers on a daily basis) so working out was not really super necessary.

Last February we moved to Humboldt.  I was waiting tables so I was up and moving around a lot so that kept the weight off.  However, in August I started a desk job... blech.  Weight has been gained, jeans are too tight and Bethany is not happy.

Enter my new plan.  I found a dress that I love and want to buy for my lovely friend Katie's wedding in August.  Problem... they don't make it in my size.  I have already been trying to eat a little bit healthier and making more positive food choices but something else must be done.  Enter the Couch to 5k.

This program is supposed to take you from being a couch potato to being able to run a 5k in 9 weeks.  9 weeks!  If I start on Monday then I will finish the week of March 18th.  Crazy? Perhaps. Hopeful? Yes.  Plan... start to like running.  Go to Webster City and run by Mr. M's house and flip him the bird :-)

Picture for Motivation

My life is ruined.

I love McDonald's Chicken Nuggets.  No, I'm not 6 years old.  And No, I don't eat them often, there's not even a McDonald's in Humboldt but once in a while I get a hankering for some McNuggets (okay, that sounded way dirtier than intended.  I do not think I can ever eat McNuggets again :-(

Can You Guess What McDonald's Food Item This Is?

Life = Ruined :-(

78 out of 168...

**Beware, I did math**
This is my first week where I'm working my full weekend shift at West Fork Services.  That means I am working 78 hours this week. (And I won't have another day off until Saturday January 27th :-() But there is 168 hours in a week so that still leaves me 90 hours that I won't be working.  BUT... if I sleep 8 hours a night that takes away another 56... leaving me with 34 hours of non committed time this week.  Math is giving me a headache, but let's just say come Monday night when I get off work at 5 pm... I will probably be tired, grouchy, and maybe not very nice!
When I was in college I worked 3 jobs, had a rather active (cough at the bar at least 3 times a week cough) social life and took 18 credit hours and seemed to manage it fine.  Now I go to bed at 9 pm almost every night.  I think I'm getting old!

Another thing that I'm not so much looking forward to this weekend is packing both a lunch and a dinner for Saturday and Sunday.  I think I need to go to the store and pick up some travel worthy foods... But I did get a lunch box the other day and have a set of 16 lids and containers waiting to be picked up at the Post Office (Got a 32 piece Lock & Lock set from Woot for 20 bucks, score!).  Hopefully it won't be as difficult as I'm anticipating!

Nothing like a bump on the head in the morning

So, yesterday started just like any other day.... I woke up and did not want to get out of bed... I hit the snooze a few times and eventually dragged myself out of bed.  You see, getting up on Thursdays is even worse than getting up any other day of the week because on Thursdays I work from 8 am to 12 am with one little hour lunch break blech.  I keep telling myself it's worth it because I'll be able to pay off my credit card debt and those pesky student loans and not be living paycheck to paycheck anymore (you know the dreded 'we're having pb&j for supper because I don't get paid until tomorrow').

I got in the shower.... but I don't remember getting out.  The next thing I knew I was on the bathroom floor in a towel and had no idea what happened.  I started screaming Wes's name for him to help me and I'm pretty sure I scared the daylights out of him.  He got me to calm down, called my boss to tell her I wouldn't be in and put me back to bed.  I think I got either a touch of the flu or it was from my melatonin working a little too well.

So I took the day off from both jobs yesterday... My first real "sick day" in my entire working adult life (you know outside of college jobs and such).  Wes was a wonderful nurse :-)  He went to the store and got me sprite and yogurt and kept telling me to go back to bed.  He even stopped playing Call of Duty when I got up because we all know how much I HATE watching that silly game.  He rocks :-) I think I'll keep him around. 

Today I am feeling much better, still a little dizzy if I get up too fast but I think I'm on the upswing!  Hope I am cause we have Christmas with mom's side of the family on Saturday!  And another first, I get to go take a drug test today... no worries, I think I'll pass!

Happy Birthday

Dear Rebekah,
Today would be your 18th birthday.  You should be a senior in high school, getting ready for all those fun things that go along with it.  Prom, graduation, chosing a college.  Would you have been a smart kid who had any college at their finger tips or would have been a social butterfly who was not quite so interested in school as I was?  I imagine I would have helped you with those big decisions.  Gone with you to pick out your prom dress, taken you on college visits.  Most importantly, I would have been there on your 18th birthday as you got your first tattoo.  I like to think that you would have had that in mind, after all, your big brother and sister both have them :-)

I think about my 18th birthday and the suprise birthday my parents had for me.  Would there have been a party today?  The weather is gorgeous on this your 18th birthday, nothing like January 10th should be in the midwest.  Would you have gone to the store and bought spray paint on your 18th birthday like I did?

If I close my eyes I can almost picture what I think you would have looked like as an 18 year old girl.  Red hair, blue eyes, basically a mini-me.  I wish you could have been here for everything.  I wish I could have held you and watched you grow.  I wish we could have done the things that sisters do, late night talks about boys and clothes and makeup... Those aren't so fun with Johnny.  You were taken far too soon and we did not get the chance to love you like we should have.  But we still love you so much.  It's so strange to love someone so much that you never really knew.  Someone that you didn't get the chance to spend time with to really truly love.  But I do love you. 

I hope that you're having a wonderful birthday up there in heaven Rebekah.  I'm sure that Grandpa Frerichs and your big brother Isaiah are throwing you a wonderful party.  I think you would have been the opposite of me, a girly girl who loved all things sparkly and pink.

Happy 18th birthday Rebekah.
Love,
Your big sister

Cakes and pills...

THEY FINALLY AGREED ON A WEDDING CAKE! 

Backstory: I'm a moron crazy person and agreed when my brother got engaged this summer to make his and his fiance's wedding cake.  I have found many ideas but have yet to get them to agree on anything.  I made a test cake that they did not like and I'm starting to get really frustrated and wishing that I would not have made this offer.  BUT this weekend I pulled up my pinterest account (I love you pinterest) and showed Ashley a picture I had found of a wedding cake made of cupcakes.  She liked it!  WOOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! So now I'm looking for cupcake towers and trying to decide between cardboard and pvc (obviously cardboard is cheaper but will it look tacky? I can always decorate it with ribbon, paper, etc right?).  I also got myself tied into even more work by proclaiming that it would be an excellent idea to make cake pop centerpieces... Crazy person.

In other news... One of the super fun aspects of my fibro is that I struggle to get a good night's sleep.  I can usually fall asleep okay but I wake up all the time and I really don't feel rested in the morning.  Mom and I went to GNC this weekend and I got some melatonin.  On Saturday night I went to bed at 11 pm and did not wake up ONCE until Sunday at 7 am.  WONDERFUL!  I'm doing some research to see if this is habit forming and figuring out how careful I need to be about it... But I'm pretty psyched that I might actually get some good sleep with it! 

I also went to Trader Joe's for the first time this weekend and bought some almond butter which is FANTASTIC!  And I plan to go buy some celery to put it on today:-)  Hope you all have a fantastic Monday!

Post Holiday Depression

Christmas is over (though the Christmas tree is still halfway up, no ornaments but I haven't gone so far as to lug it down to the basement yet).  The new year is here and while one should be super excited to begin a new year I feel a little sad.  I've found this often happens after the holidays.  I get so excited for Christmas and New Years and then it's just over.  Done with.  No more Christmas music, no more fancy food, no more people smiling and greeting you with "Happy Holidays."  I learned about Seasonal Affective Disorder in my psych classes but I think they forgot to teach us about Holiday Affective Disorder!  What makes it even worse is I realized the other day that I did not have a single piece of pumpkin pie between November and January :-(  Alas the sample lady at Hy-Vee was serving samples of Sara Lee pumpkin pie so Wes forced me to take one and said, "There you had your pumpkin pie."  He's such a jerk sweetheart.

Our New Years Eve was pretty low key due to lack of funds to return to Cedar Falls.  We stayed home and made homemade Indian Food.  I even made the Naan from scratch!

We watched both National Treasure movies and chilled at home.  It was quiet and nice. 

But now that the holidays are over I guess its time to get my nose to the grindstone on that list of goals I made for myself this year.  (Hey! One of them was to start a blog go me!)  I'll get myself out of this slump and get working on making 2012 a better year than 2011...